Things men should know when we meet them
Posted by CB , Monday, May 9, 2011 7:39 p.m.
While talking to my friend about how exasperated I was with men, we came up with a series of choice phrases that we should tell men when we first meet them, so they could know how it really is.
Here they are (thank god these were saved!)
-Hi my name is Catherine, my boyfriend cheated on me with a blonde hoe. If you like blonde hoes, then this won't be working out.
-Hi, are you a massage therapist? Welcome to my bed.
-Hi, I'm Catherine and I'm having a hard time believing in men. Prove to me that lesbian isn't the way to go.
-Hi, stop looking at my boobs.
-Hi, I'm really cranky in the mornings, but if you have lucky charms close by, I can guarantee we'll get along just fine.
-Hi, you look hot..Oh wait...You work at the same restaurant as me? Quit your job, THEN we can fuck.
-Hi, do I look like someone who wants to fuck? I do? Yeah, well, just not with you.
-Hi, you look pretty drunk. You never drink? Looks to me like you're a pro.
-Hi, I watched Sex and the City and ate frozen cookie dough on Valentine's day. Top that.
-Hi, I already don't trust you and I don't think this will go anywhere so prove me wrong :)
-Hi, though you seem like a nice guy I sincerely doubt you are and I do believe you will cheat on me. Nice to meet you!
-Hi, if you're an engineer I already don't like you so please go away. If you sleep with asians in your spare time, fuck right off :)
-Hi, are you interested in a normal sort of boring but actually quite funny girl? Do you like to cuddle. If so, HELLO.
-Hi, I'm really greasy in the morning but I shower daily. I have a nice ass. I bet you don't deserve me :). weerrdd.
-Hi, if you try to impress me by being overly competitive, I'll puke in my mouth.
-Hi, hope you don't think you're getting in my pants tonight. Cause youre not.
-Hi, if you have a penis we hate you. But we can maybe get over it ;)
-Sometimes I eat a whole row of oreos to myself and if you can't handle that, I'm just gonna go ahead and eat another row.
-Hi, I have a close relationship with all, and yes that means multiple, of my cats. If you think that's weird, remember that you're the cause.
-Hi, I play the Sims. I have a character of myself and she's single and sleeping with PaulyD. She has a kid named Patrick and she's raising him alone. Fake life = win. Real life = overrated.
-Hi, I'm unnaturally ticklish so don't get spooked when I squirm under your touch. I don't actually think youre that nasty.
Any of those are good options next time you meet a new man ;)
- Catherine
" I wanted a man who'd commit, not a man who was committed. Apparently we have to be more specific." - Carrie Bradshaw
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