The "I hate men" Club

The title is self-explanatory. I came upon this article while browsing the web, but I choose the best topics. Enjoy! And don't forget to read the kick-ass quote at the end of the post ;)

Relationships:

First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis". When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

Sex:
Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 - 45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.

Bathrooms:
A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Going out:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup...

Shoes:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She wil carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk. A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.

Cats:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Mirrors:Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface--mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.

Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction--he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Admitting Mistakes:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Nudity in Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

Locker Rooms:
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room--sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.

Weddings:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".

Socks:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictues of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

- Kimberly


''According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars”

Okay so how many times have we said that men just "don't understand"? If your answer is " a lot" or "too many times", then you're right. It seems to me that men and women just don't speak the same language and it's obviously a huge problem. So this post is for all the men out there. You MUST be familiar with our language, or we will kill you or hurt your private parts. So I've found an awesome translation on Internet that exposes this mysterious and complex language, and it just took the words right out of my mouth! You're about to find out why.

Fine: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use Fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five
minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade.

Nothing: This means something, and you should be on your toes.
Nothing is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards.
Nothing usually signifies an argument that will last Five Minutes and end with the word Fine.

Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over Nothing and will end with the word Fine.

Go Ahead (normal eyebrows): This means “I give up” or Do what you want, because I don’t care. You will get a raised eyebrow Go ahead in just a few minutes, followed by Nothing and Fine and she will talk to you in about Five Minutes when she cools off.

: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal
statement very misunderstood by men. A Loud Sigh means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over Nothing.

: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. Soft Sighs are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

Oh: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example: “Oh, let me get that.” Or, “Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night.” If she says Oh before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is Fine when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. Oh, as the lead to a sentence, usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows Go ahead followed by acts so unspeakable that we can’t bring ourselves to write about them.

That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. That’s Okay means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. That’s Okay is often used with the word “Fine” and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow Go ahead. At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

Please Do: This is not a statement; it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful, and you shouldn’t get a That’s Okay.

Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you’re welcome.

“Thanks a lot”: This is much different from Thanks. A woman will say, Thanks a lot when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the Loud Sigh. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the Loud Sigh, as she will only tell you Nothing.

Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying F— YOU!

Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to # 3.

I'm fine/I'm okay: RED ALERT. This statement's actual meaning is that she is not fine at all. Don't you dare ask 'What's wrong' because you will clearly get a Nothing and hear a Loud Sigh.

Obviously this list is not complete, but it does provide a pretty good guideline for men.


“It is difficult for a woman to define her feelings in a language which is chiefly made by men to express theirs.”

You wanna know why?

Somehow, they always turn into some kind of orgy. Cat and Kim went in to investigate the subject and discovered that there is a magical property that through chemical mitosis is released into the air when the subject (female) enters the bubbling waters.

In other words, it turns us on.

BIIIGGG TIME.

We recommend that most men should have or be in close proximity to a hot tub at all times. This will increase your chances with us IMMENSELY!

Hot tubs = win.

-Cat and Kim